Thursday, December 5, 2013
Just really, really bad songs...
1. Twerk It (Busta Rhymes feat. Nicki Minaj): it’s hard to take Busta’s desperate grab at cultural relevancy with a clearly-washed up voice and name-dropping that’s like so five years ago.
2. Chinese Food (Allison Gold): who doesn’t love some good Chinese food but, man, when it’s not good it makes you want to throw up. Kinda like this song.
3. Mass Text (Tay Allyn): Allyn is 24…a tad too old to be shamelessly parodying such vapid American stereotypes.
4. Too Many Friends (Placebo): a song about loneliness that could seriously lead to suicide for listening to it alone.
5. Shabba (A$AP Ferg feat. A$AP Rocky): I guess this is supposed to be hardcore but all I can think is how terrible it sounds even with A$AP Rocky along for the ride.
6. Walks Like Rihanna (The Wanted): as if we’re not already suffocating in Rihanna worship, along comes this crap.
7. What A Night (Loveable Rogues): the dark side of reggae’s influence on British youth.
8. Diaper Money (The Lonely Island): horrible alone for that line about having wife pussy on lock…
9. Ooh La La (Britney Spears); recorded for the Smurfs soundtrack…where was Gargamel and Azriel to scratch her throat out though?
10. I Hit It First (Ray J): who really makes this type of revenge song though, other than immature brats?
11. Hello (Lil Wayne): a weird hip hop/rock mash up of him ranting about pussy…like he was breathlessly running a 5K race.
12. New Orleans (The Dream): not only offensive because of the repeated use of the word ‘bitch’, but just a horrible song overall.
13. Mosquito (Yeah Yeah Yeahs): my how the mighty has fallen…a song about a pest guys, like seriously?
14. Started From The Bottom (Drake): his uninteresting vocals continue to amass a fan base…must be a Canadian thing.
15. Live It Up (Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull): the result of a dubious collaboration straining itself too far to sound hip.
16. Black Ops (They May Be Giants): the band states that was written from the perspective of an amoral drone operator who is unsure about his occupation and that they made it up as they went along in a car. No wonder it sounds so shitty.
17. Trampoline (Tinie Tempah): so, this is what hip/hop has come to.
18. Ready Or Not (Bridgit Mendler): the shameless chorus rip of the Fugees hit makes this song even more nauseating.
19. Roar (Katy Perry): as another critic said, more a yelp than a roar.
20. One Way Or Another (One Direction): thanks for ruining Blondie’s classic guys.