Friday, December 1, 2017
Each year it gets harder limiting this list to a mere 30 songs: so many repeat offenders never tire of producing bad musov.
A few superlatives: four former year-end "champions" are back. The overall tally now has clear daylight between the top two artists...both prominent this year again.
Here is the list:
1. Playdough Cooked In Tea (Me & Me): literally a mini-EP full of the same sentence and drawn out horribly that not even IceJJFish could top. Very disturbing too.
2. Mans Not Hot (Big Shaq): every half-assed rapper wants to be Jamaican relevant.
3. Ice On Me (IceJJFish): last year’s worst find back with a vengeance.
4. Ohio Fried Chicken (Jake Paul): at first I thought this was satire but the dangerous thing about Paul is that he’s dead serious with this shit.
5. Rake It Up (Yo Gotti feat. Nicki Minaj): why is Nicki still on these failed thirst-trap projects.
6. Its Everyday Bro (Jake Paul): the Donald Trump of pop music this year.
7. Bingo (Jacob Sartorious): get ready to laugh—but not the good type of laugh.
8. Her Knight (IceJJFish): more retarded foolishness.
9. I Love You Bro (Jake Paul): the sentiment is noted but trashiness undeniable.
10. The Bone (IceJJFish): deliberate crap.
11. Creature (KSI): would be higher but, mercifully, it’s a short song.
12. Saturday Night (Jake Paul): this type of culture appropriation should be illegal.
13. I’m A Lady (Meghan Trainor): her wretchedness is unending.
14. Sheet (Spice): this from a so-called feminist?
15. DN Freestyle (Lil Yachty): a song that mentions turning someone’s mom into a pedophile…immediate pass.
16. Karate (Soulja Boy): he’s not even trying here.
17. Just Like That (IceJJFish): pointless.
18. Hit Em With The Draco (Soulja Boy): a diss track that, alas, will in turn get dissed by critics…like what I’m doing right now.
19. Juice (Lady Leshurr): well, at least the beat is good.
20. Hands Hurt (Soulja Boy): his thin-rap formula refuses to let up.
21. Peek A Boo (Lil Yachty): prime example why thirst rap is failing.
22. Break Up Every Night (The Chainsmokers): how they can follow up a line like, “she wants to break up every night” with, “then tries to fuck me back to life” is beyond reason.
23. Blame It On You (Charli XCX): still shamelessly trying—and failing—to be Billboard pop relevant.
24. Boys (Charli XCX): pointless repetition.
25. Middle Fingers (MISSIO): painful to listen right through.
26. Body Like A Back Road (Sam Hunt): the ludicrous result when country meets, gulp, bro-rap.
27. Bud Like You (AJR): this type of bro-rap should only be heard at football matches.
28. Bloodstream (The Chainsmokers): they say self-diagnosing oneself is the first step.
29. The Last Text (Jacob Sartorious): tries to be mature but a song about text messaging…oy.
30. Weak (AJR): the brothers feel harmonizing choruses can cover up…no they can’t.