Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Here we get listomana off this year with the fun list...and these songs are God-awful.
Enjoy, or rather, run away from them:
1. Alana Thompson Moving Up: I wasn’t even sure this obese child was really singing like, for serious music, you know like her reality TV show. Honey Boo Boo is a Big No No.
2. Danielle D.I. Wuk Out Mi Hole: Jamaicans tend to get touchy when its pointed out that sex isn’t all—and here is the monstrous proof. I’m no prude but even I blush, in embarrassment when the line, “a you a wuk out mi bloodclaat hole” spins.
3. Zeke Don A1 Class: more porno reggae jams poorly done. Yawn.
4. Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em Hurricane: generally awful but infinitely so when one realizes, in horror, that the slurps throughout are not studio-made but purposely done by the rapper. This is a new type of wretched never heard before.
5. Chief Keef feat. Andy Milonakis Hot Shit: well, the title says it all except the hot part. This is a tired throwback to when rappers were frighteningly just embrace stardom. Best to be forgotten.
6. Magic! Sunday Funday: I thought Magic! couldn’t possibly sink lower than last year’s “Rude” but here any aspersions of a positive vibe is cast aside right away with a stereotypical reggae beat and white privilege masquerading as lyrics. A sure staple for country club karaoke participants no doubt.
7. I Love Makonnen feat. Migos Whip It: lazy-sounding and, lyrically, nonsensical.
8. Macka Diamond My Prayer: one generally can’t fuck up gospel too much—well, except if one is Macka Diamond apparently.
9. Matt and Kim Hoodie On: what the hell happened to this duo to result in this tepid Sesame Street-esque learning tool?!
10. Pitbull feat. Mohombi & Wisin Baddest Girl In Town: I thought these bi-lingual track ideas were seasonal and extinct.
11. Lunchmoney Lewis Bills: though the horns and hi-claps are groovy, the corny lyrics torpedo this paean to providing.
12. Chris Brown feat. Tyga Ayo: even if we could excuse the lame lyrics by Brown, Tyga makes the song worse with, well, even lamer lyrics.
13. Silento Watch Me (Whip / Nae Nae): if Erykah Badu can tell Iggy Azealia that what she does is “definitely not hip/hop” then I think I can tell Silento, unequivocally, that what he does is definitely not music at all. This dude has over 400 million Youtube views for merely reciting lines (describing dance moves) repeatedly.
14. Kid Rock First Kiss: first, who even knew Kid Rock was still recording music? Now, the actual song sounds stuck in that previous decade where he and his inspiration belong.
15. Meghan Trainor Your Lips Are Movin’: pop music’s current white one-trick female pony finally created a big enough mess to earn her spot on the list. So, what did her in: the God-awful chorus. Welcome home, Meghan.