Saturday, December 1, 2018
Listomania gets started with the fun list...a look at the absolute crap that passes for music. Each year I try to identify the trends at this year two stand out: the expansion of the Youtube star and the globalization of dancehall. Both are phenomena poles apart but it doesn't take a genius that they're inching towards some mega hybrid that, up to this point, hasn't produced much greatness but many shabby imitators.
This year's list proves it in wild varying degrees as the top 8 songs on the list fall into either camp.
A few superlatives: 7 of the artists here are repeat offenders to the point where, overall, they have had at least 5 spots since the time I have been doing this list. And there is no slowing down for them apparently.
2 former year-end "champions" are back. The overall tally now has clear daylight between the top two artists...both prominent this year again.
Here is the list:
1.Six Figures (Justin Roberts feat. Mini Jake Paul): the absolute worst trend in pop music now is the continued rise of the Youtube star: mostly untalented white males who have nothing going for them except theirv whiteness and a speedy internet connection. Roberts doesn’t even have sensible lyrics going on in this dud.
2. Moo (Doja Cat): when literally some chick singing the line, “moo” repeatedly becomes at internet hit that’s how you know how far we’ve slid as a human race.
3. Dey Call Me JJFish (IceJJFish): his absolute worst so far.
4. Hold On (IceJJFish): his revolving door of grossness continues.
5. Under Fire (Spice): um, no…interchangeable crap.
6. Gum (Spice): because clearly she has a super pussy, as if we haven’t been bombarded with it for years now.
7. Shrimp Patty (Govana): really, in 2018 and we still have this dated shit around?
8. My Type (Popcaan): yet another dancehall star takes on the “tight pussy gyal” idea. Yawn.
9. Richard Mille (Soulja Boy): only he intentionally does shitty branding tracks in search of long-term relevancy.
10. Yacht Club (Lil Yachty feat. Juice WRLD): fast becoming a repeat offender, from the Soulja Boy tribe.
11. Check The Statistics (Wolfieraps feat. Ricegum): you can’t do a diss track and it ends up being worse than the track you targeted.
12. My Teachers (Jake Paul feat. SUNNY & AT3): everybody dreams of revenge on teacher but when the track is this ludicrous then I guess teacher was right all along.
13. Woo (Soulja Boy feat. Chief Keef): how does he manage to slur an entire song then barely utters the chorus? New level lazy.
14. New Freezerr (Lady Leshurr): one wonders when the well of her mediocrity will run dry.
15. Everybody Hates Me (The Chainsmokers): sometimes the song titles truly explain themselves.
16. Duffle Bag (Spice): you know when your country cousin comes to the city and starts twanging? Yea, that’s what is so shitty about this track.
17. Man Don’t Dance (Big Shaq): Man Don’t Have Good Lyrics…let’s leave this laughable effort right there.
18. Cartier Vision (Jake Paul feat. Jitt & Quan & AT3): I guess ripping off Cardi B is fair game but why’d it have to be Paul who is among the worst out there?
19. Black Madonna (Lady Leshurr feat. Mr. Eazi): her ridiculous rapping dialect now paired to electronic beats. Yawn.
20. One And Move (Govana): no doubt a dancehall anthem but the litany of low-energy wordplay is, frankly, tiresome.
21. Malibu (Chad Tepper feat. Jake Paul): yet another mediocre Youtube white boy rap effort.
22. Bad Breath (Willie Nelson): lyrically fine but who in their right mind does a song about halitosis though?
23. Hopeless Romantic (Wiz Khalifa feat. Swae Lee): the definition of lazy rapping.
24. Sick Boy (The Chainsmokers): when bad bands try to be earnest but still flunk the grade,
25. Black Panther (Lady Leshurr): leave it to the shameless Leshurr to try and cash in on the on-going movie mania while trying to hash through Missy’s “She’s A Bitch”. Ugh.
26. Supplies (Justin Timberlake): not sure when Timberlake was heading with this country/hip-hop hybrid that was produced by The Neptunes. It’s at turns disjointed, confused and plain awful.
27. Nasty One (Lil Kim): this is what happens when a hip/hop titan stubbornly tries to convince everyone that they still have juice. Unfortunately, Kim sounds like Grandma Kim…it’s that dated and repetitive.
28. Bill And Jill (Kodak Black): the latest trend amond mediocre rapping talent now seems to be mumbling inane lyrics over hooks. This is one such blueprint.
29. Can’t Dance (Meghan Trainor): at what point will Trainor realize that even with decent beats and groovy backing vocals, the weakest link is her one-note vocal delivery that, no matter how hard she tries, can’t fake funk.
30. Girls (Rita Ora feat. Cardi B, Bebe Rexha & Charli XCX): rightfully bashed by the LGBTQ for shamefully trying to shop its corny lyrics as some sort of gender-relevant feminism.